Helping Children Cope with the Move (This article is from Allied Moving's Website)

Moving can mean big changes for your child. Here are some ideas on how to help your child better cope with new surroundings.

Introduction

One of the biggest concerns a family faces as they prepare for a move is -- "How will the children be affected?" Because this is such an important issue, Allied asked an expert. Dr. Tom Olkowski, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist in private practice with children, families, and adults in Denver since 1977.

On behalf of Allied Van Lines, Dr. Olkowski conducted a satellite media tour, offering his expertise on this ever-important topic to television viewers in mre than thirty markets nationwide.

The Q&A results of this "media tour" are captured in the following sections.

Sharing the News

"How and when do we tell our children that we'll be moving, and is there anything that we can do to make the move easier for them?"

Needless to say, these questions are not new to parents faced with the prospect of a move. You can take comfort in knowing that there are a number of things that you can do to make your relocation an exciting and rewarding experience for your children. The key lies in being sensitive to their feelings and concerns and in making them feel a part of the process.

"Children of different ages will have different reactions to a move," says Dr. Joseph B. Keegan, a certified clinical psychologist. "What is important to understand is that different age groups tend to miss different things. Younger children tend to miss familiar people--a favorite teacher, for example--and safe and secure environments--such as school, even their bedrooms. Older children--especially teenagers--tend to miss their friends and others in the community with whom they've developed relationships."

First and foremost, you should tell your children about the move as soon as possible. A child shouldn't overhear the news by accident.

"For a child," notes Dr. Keegan, "much of the stress associated with moving relates to dealing with the unknown. Given this, it's important for you to talk to your children about the move. Share the details that you think they can understand, encourage their questions, and listen to what they have to say."

When is the best time to start discussing the move with children?

Talk to children about the upcoming move as soon as possible. As parents, your task is simply to allow youngsters the opportunity to express their feelings openly without having to justify or defend them. This opens up the lines of communication so the entire family can work through feelings and uncertainties together.

Childrens’ reactions to a move will vary by age. Generally, the older the child, the harder the move. While teens’ concerns center around breaking ties with peers, athletic teams and jobs, elementary-aged children worry about whom they will eat lunch with and if they will like their teacher. Preschoolers tend to miss certain places such as a favorite park or playhouse, and infants and toddlers simply are confused by the change in surroundings.

Regardless of age, it is likely a child will experience anger, frustration, loneliness and sadness, along with nervousness about what to expect in a new community and school.

Involve your children in all aspects of your relocation. If possible, bring them with you on house-hunting trips; if not, photograph or videotape the house that you select, as well as the neighborhood and new school.

Allow your children to participate in planning the move. "When possible," suggests Dr. Keegan, "ask your children to perform small jobs that are age-appropriate and that can often be made enjoyable."

For example, you might consider asking your children for their input regarding the decor and layout of their new rooms. And let them pack a box or two of their toys, games and other personal belongings.

What are some steps parents can take to ensure that a move can be a positive experience?

• Teamwork is definitely the key to a successful family move. Assign everyone in the family a list of moving tasks.
• Have kids sort through their belongings to discard broken toys and clothes that no longer fit.
• Have them write addresses on cartons with a marker as a way of helping them remember their new address.
• And be sure to have them pack a carton or daypack with their most prized possessions to carry with them on moving day in order to give them a greater sense of security.
• Another important step is to talk about the move as a family.
• Hold regular family meetings to answer questions, to share information and to talk about how people are feeling.
• Look for quiet moments when you can talk to the kids about their questions and concerns about the move.

Finally, plan ahead and be sure to take time to:

• Physically relax from the rigors of moving
• Enjoy familiar family activities
• Explore your new neighborhood together after the move

What are some general tips about organizing a family move?

The key to any successful move is planning ahead.

• Schedule your move with plenty of advance time and try to avoid "peak weeks" at the end of the month, that’s when everyone else is moving.
• Put together a survival box full of items that you will need immediately upon arrival. Necessities such as light bulbs, linens, paper products, trash bags, soap and tools. And take the box with you instead of loading it on the van so you won’t be caught unprepared if you arrive at your new home before the moving van does.
• Contact a professional moving company. They have the experience and the resources to move your things in a secure and professional manner.

How can parents help to minimize a child’s tension and apprehension about a move?

• The key to easing tension and helping children adjust to the idea of a move is teamwork. Everyone, including youngsters, will be more comfortable and cooperative if they have an active part in the move.
• Assign everyone in the family a list of tasks for which he or she will be responsible.
• Hold short family meetings to discuss feelings and things that need to be done in preparation for the move.
• Six to eight weeks before moving day, help children create a calendar with the events leading up to the move. This will help organize the family and will give the busy days ahead some predictability.
• Ask each child to help pack up toys and other belongings to provide a sense of control over prized possessions.
• Allied’s Guide to a Good Move also recommends having children write their name and new address on the cartons from their rooms so they can become familiar with the address before they get to their new home.

Good Bye, Hello

Dr. Joseph B. Keegan, a certified clinical psychologist recommends that parents encourage their children to take the time to say good-bye to their friends and maintain ties by having them exchange addresses and telephone numbers. A letter or phone call to or from an old friend can go a long way toward boosting the spirits of anyone--especially a child in a strange, new community.

Provide your children with a sense of continuity. If they're in the scouts, little league, or a school band or choir, for example, enroll them in the same or similar activities in the new community as soon as possible.

At what age will a child be most affected by a move?

The general rule is "The younger the child, the easier the move." Younger children depend on parents for their sense of security so their concerns will revolve around the safety of family members, pets and important possessions. Older children and teenagers who are working on becoming independent and establishing relationships outside the family usually experience greater difficulty and will often express more resistance to the idea of moving.

How do you handle a child who doesn’t want to move?

Almost all children express an initial resistance to the idea of moving simply because they don’t know what it involves, but children typically follow their parents lead in adjusting to a move. If they try to understand the child’s feelings and if the family works together to explore their new community, most children will eventually adapt to their new homes without difficulty.

Do you feel that children and their emotions have a tendency to be overlooked during a family move?

In our book "Moving with Children", I’ve stated that the carton marked "family feelings" is usually the last one to be packed and loaded onto the moving van. Moving can be a hectic stressful time for families and sometimes parents get so busy, they can overlook how children are feeling about a move.

That’s why it’s important for parents to make time to sit down and talk with the kids about their feelings, questions and concerns about the move. And why it’s important for parents to help kids feel involved in the move by assigning each child little tasks to do. And why families should take breaks every so often to relax and enjoy some family time together.

Can a move have a negative impact on a child?

Very simply, it can -- but it doesn’t have to.

Moving can be a difficult and unsettling experience for children because it entails sadness about saying good-bye to friends and familiar places, apprehension about what their new school and neighborhood will be like, and possibly even anger about the thought that their parents are forcing them to move.

Surveys report that many children regard moving to be one of the most stressful experiences of their life, but with proper planning and teamwork a move can be an exciting and positive experience for the entire family. This is a very important subject and is too often overlooked.

What’s the one thing a parent should guard against happening during a child’s move?

The most important thing for parents to do during a move is to make sure that they don’t overlook a child’s reactions to it. Some children will let you know exactly how they’re feeling by what they say or how they behave, while others may withdraw and not say a word. But if a child isn’t asking questions or talking about the move, it may be a signal that he is worried or anxious about it, and parents need to create opportunities to talk about the move and reassure the child, although it may seem a bit overwhelming or frightening right now, eventually it will feel less scary and more comfortable once the family gets settled in their new home.

What signs should parents look for that might indicate a child is having a difficult time with a move?

Every child will react to a move in a different manner. Some children will let you know exactly how they’re feeling by what they say or how they behave, while others may withdraw and not say a word,

Significant cues to look for during a move that might indicate a child is having a difficult time are things like: sleep problems or nightmares, excessive crying, frustration, or outbursts of anger, a reluctance to leave the house or be away from parents, unreasonable fears or a resistance toward engaging in activities with other children.

For most children these behaviors should disappear over time as the child becomes more familiar with his new surroundings, but if they increase or persist for long periods of time, parents should seek the advice of a pediatrician or mental health professional.

A New School

With respect to the quality of your children's education in the new community, don't be afraid to contact teachers and principals at prospective schools. You have every right to inquire about average test scores, attendance rates, special programs, teacher/student ratios, and extracurricular activities. For high schools, ask about accreditation and the percentage of students continuing on to college.

While many parents consider the summer months to be the best time to relocate to avoid disrupting their children's education, many families who've moved before have learned that there are definite advantages to moving during the school year.

If you arrive in a new community during the summer, you're likely to find that organized activities are already under way, and it may be too late for your children to participate. Often, neighborhood kids are on vacation or away at camp during the summer, making it difficult to make new friends immediately. And at the beginning of the school year, teachers may not have extra time to pay special attention to the needs of the "new kid at school."

When a child transfers during the school year, however teachers and students have already overcome those "back to school" transitions, and teachers have more time to spend to help orient the transferred child to his or her new school. Transferring during the school year provides a much better means of meeting other children. Finally, your child benefits by getting into a daily routine with school and related activities.

How should a parent pick a new school? What should they look for?

Parents should first take a look at their child’s specific activities, talents and interests. Then they need to take the initiative to evaluate the various schools in their new community. Visit the school, and ask questions about teacher/student ratios, performance test scores, special programs, and other resources that they feel are important for their child’s education.

Is it best to move during the school year, or when school is out?

The reality is that families move when they have to move, and they don’t always have the opportunity to choose exactly when that will be. If they do have a choice, it’s generally better to move during the summer so that children can get acquainted with the new neighborhood and then focus on starting school with their new classmates on the first day of school rather than having to adjust to both a new neighborhood and a new school at the same time.

How long does it usually take for children to adjust to a new home and school?

It’s important for parents to be patient and realize that every child will adjust to a new home on his/her own personal schedule, and many children will go through a grieving process. One child in the family may be totally excited about getting a room of his own and adjust easily, while another may take significantly longer because of the sadness of leaving close friends. Kids lose their home, their school, their friends -- most of what children hold important to them will be lost.

The adjustment period may take anywhere from six months to a year-and-a-half depending on the age of the child, friendships outside the family, the reasons for the move or simply the child’s attachment to his old home. Helping children acclimate themselves quickly to their new neighborhood and school will speed up the healing process.

Do companies or schools have programs in place that help a child with a move?

Many companies that are concerned about employees and their families have excellent employee relocation programs while other do not. The same is true of schools. Some schools have special "New Kid" programs to help children adjust to their new classrooms while others don’t.

Adjustment Period

Dr. Keegan notes that, although a move can be stressful, most children adjust quite well in a very short period of time. "However," he warns, "don't overlook some of the warning signs that may indicate a child is having difficulty adjusting. If a child has difficulty sleeping, is irritable or has outbursts of anger, or avoids making new friends, it may be useful to seek the advice of your pediatrician or other professional."

Overall, the single most important factor that determines how well a child copes with a move is the parents' attitude. If Mom and Dad position the relocation as an exciting adventure--if they focus on the opportunities for the entire family--children will be far more likely to accept the situation in a positive manner.

What can parents do to help children feel more "at home" in their new home?

In order to successfully adjust to a new environment, a child must first feel secure about what has been left behind. Parents can help a child say good-bye by creating a scrapbook with addresses and photos of old friends, along with pictures and memorabilia from favorite places. It is also a good idea to have a farewell get-together where children can hand out their new address to their pals.

A child needs patience and assistance in becoming comfortable with the new surroundings. These suggestions can help to ease the adjustment process:

• If your new home was previously occupied by children, ask the family to leave the names, ages and addresses of children in the neighborhood, along with a list of popular play areas.
• Take family walks around the neighborhood to get a feel for your surroundings and to meet your neighbors.
• Help your children create a neighborhood map showing the locations of the school, playgrounds, and other areas where they will be spending time.
• Learn about community involvement opportunities and activities at your church, recreation center, and library.
• Take a field trip to school to allow your child to become familiar with the location of the classrooms, library, gymnasium, playground, rest rooms, and bus stop.
• These activities help shift the focus from the hustle and bustle of unpacking and organizing to providing quality family time learning about the new community.